“Thanks”- “I’m not thankful, I’m just saying that so you don’t freak out”

“Thanks anyway”- “You’re useless and I don’t know why I bothered asking you”

“Lol”- “You’re not worth an actual response”

“lmao”- “What you just said makes so little sense this is all I can say”

“K”- “I despise you. Just leave.”

Anything that ends in a full stop- “I just want this conversation to end. Get the message”

“Yes/no”- “You’re not worth a full answer”

“Good effort”- “Did you even try? This is awful”

Anything without !s or emojis- “I dislike talking to you. I dislike you.”

Anything with one less x or emoji- “I’ve stopped liking you.”

:)- “I couldn’t be more passive aggressive if I tried”

Bye- “I’m not coming back.”